Mass defacation 3: the untold chapters
by Lord Michael Blackburn
Summary: bioware gave you a basic story, but not a full and true one. besides the events of ME3 being jumbled, they made it to serious. but that wasn't the case for sheppard. rated M for blackburn-ish humor
1. Chapter 1

A/N: for many, msny months I had been planning a mass effect parody; at first, I wondered if it should include ponies, or the elder scrolls. After some thinking, I decided to make it a general parody of mass effect, with all sorts of references and it basically is a GMOD video made into a story. I had fun writing it, I hope you enjoy reading it.

C. Sheppard gives a realistic depiction of saving the universe

_Plot: the alliance has gotten reports in the outpost colony "skyrillan rim" that they are being attacked by reaper forces; we are sending Sheppard to investigate, and resolve with extreme care.(kill everything) this is the beginning of one wild ride._

Chapter 1: this is my favorite plot on the citadel

"joker! Set a course for the skyrillan verge, admiral Hackett has given us an order to protect the colony!"

the forever alone helmsman stopped staring at EDI's synthetic ass long enough to say "sure commander…just another 10…more…seconds…..HURRG …ok, let's go." EDI looked at him and said "Jeff, you know you can go blind that way."

He put on the most humanly possible trollface and said "then that means you can do that part for me."

Slightly disturbed, the commander stepped out of the cockpit; as he headed back to his cabin, he reviewed what had happened for him so far:

_I am commander Sheppard; earth is under attack, the council has a thumb in there ass about helping me, I got garrus back, and he calibrated my toaster…oh, and tali's back, and still happy to have a sincere extra-species relationship. But you know what they say: the more truthful you are, the more hardcore the sex. Funny, it was Cortez who said that._

_Ok, that's a nasty thought now._

He looked back up as he past specialist traynor, who turned to him and said "hello commander, how are you doing?" he growled to his self and was just going to walk on by with no questions asked, but then she said "does tali give you good head, or should I take her?"

Sheppard felt a rage that could only be described as a red flashing star, and turned to the specialist and buried his fist 3 times into her forehead; he fell to the ground in a pool of snot and blood, but Sheppard didn't think that was enough. As she tried to get back up saying "I was just joking", he kicked her in the head, and she passed out; presuming she could still hear him, he said "never say ANYTHING about tali….i fucking love her you prick!"

He looked up to see everyone on the CIC staring at him, their jaws hanging. A random black sergeant yelled "FUCK NIGGA!" and jumped out a nearby airlock. Sheppard smiled and said "hi guys….free crack in the ship's bar!" and headed into the elevator. Before the door shut to go to his cabin, 90 percent of the people in the CIC ran into the elevator, and set it to go to the lounge.

(several minutes later…)

After the elevator finally released a group of starved crackheads into the lower deck, he got into his cabin, where he flopped down on his bed, looking outside the window on the roof at the stars. He quickly grew bored because the stars sucked around here, so he explored his room; after the alliance took the Normandy back they cleaned out his cabin of his goodies, such as the explicit vids he and tali made (she named them "fuck and flotilla" as a joke to garrus)(yes, garrus watched them.), and his model ship collection he had spent untold fortunes and time finding. The only good thing they did was remove all the dead fish in his fish tanks; he always forgot to feed the little fucks.

He knew the alliance took his old helmet (the one he died in) at first; he didn't know what happened to it, until his old yeoman with no back story sent him a link to eBay that was selling it for 100,000,000 credits.

He turned his radio on, and expected to here the good ol' music from the Cerberus-issue radio; Instead, it gave some shitty alliance-grade elevator music, complete with a fail rap/dubstep beat channel …he hated this new-ship look. For example, the Cerberus Normandy had uplifting lighting, and was clean and proper; but fuck no! Says the alliance, let's put dangerous wires that have power running through them on the floor, or in my cabin. Let's add a war room UNDER THE REACTOR. Let's put a security station to the CIC, you know, if the collectors that aren't around anymore attack, we can distract them with the scan long enough to fight back! God, fuck you alliance.

He got up and headed to the gun battery; maybe garrus could cheer him up.

(a little bit later…)

Garrus chuckled as he continued "...well, anyway then primarch victus was like THAT'S NO KROGAN! THAT'S MY WIFE! HAHAHAHA!" Sheppard broke out laughing and said "oh god…that was fuckin' funny….no, wait..remember back on illium when we ran into that high volus who swore he was a biotic god?" garrus nodded and said "didn't you, tali, and I get him killed when he attacked that eclipse leader?"

Sheppard laughed and said "yeah! HA! We're going to hell for laughing…." Garrus shrugged and said "hey, my hell is when I can't calibrate a main gun of a star ship for 3 years." A voice behind him said "my hell is stowing away with this bitch on an alliance ship, suck it up vakarian!"

Sheppard turned around to see 2 figured in Cerberus uniforms, as well as unknown bodily fluids . he looked at them and said "mess sergeant Gardner? Yeoman Chambers? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE!"

The yeoman said "I have no backstory! I love you long ti—WHAP!" she flopped to the ground as Gardner slapped her with his pimp/toilet duty hand and said "well, this bitch said it would be a good idea to stay on and help you, "just like old times"…so she convinced me to stow away in the lower decks…the demeaning part was we had no food, so I had been drinking her breast milk for 6 months. But it was worse for her because of the high-protein diet I gave her. And don't look at me like that, my wife divorced me through the extranet, and the yeoman suggested the protein diet."

The yeoman was muttering "hurt me more…it gives backstory!"

Garrus pulled out a radio and hit the yeoman; he calibrated the radio and then hit her again as Sheppard and the mess sergeant headed out to the kitchen area. Gardener looked at Sheppard and said "well…lemme talk turkey, I quit Cerberus because I'm here. Now, why would you wanna keep me on board? BECAUSE…I can use a gun now!"

Sheppard shrugged and said "uh, ok…you wanna fight with me? Ask me. NOW MAKE ME A SAMICH!" the sergeant slunk away to the kitchen, punching liara out of the way as he passed; as Sheppard was about to head into the elevator, joker yelled over the intercom "commander, before we head to the rim, we are stopping by the citadel to pick up supplies, just so you know. Also, tali wants to speak with you in your cabin, you lucky dog."

Sheppard grumbled; he was happy that tali was coming to his cabin, But was pissed that joker has to use THE SHIP-WIDE INTERCOM to TELL ME.

He shrugged as he headed up to his room.

(later…)

Tali was in pure nerd ecstasy as she finished telling Sheppard of her find "..and I discovered the omni-tool can be used like a vaccum! She took her helmet off, pinned sheppar dto the bed and turned the omni-vaccum on. She smiled at him and said "I discovered it could be used in very kinky ways!"

Sheppard chuckled and said "why don't you give me a reach-around while you're at it?" she smiled and did as he told; Sheppard knew it was going to be a good night.

A/N: this stories name was originally supposed to be "the mass effect scrolls: skyrillan rim" but I wanted it to cover more than that. See, when I got the idea for this story, it was a bit before ME3, and I re-wrote the story after I beat ME3. But, just as a mention, the next chapters in the skyrillan rim will be amazing references. Also, the 1 person who finalized my decision to write this is my buddy codename: one , he hooked me on ME (next to threederp, who loaned me the game) and I figured he should get a good laugh.

Well, review and sub. I really hope you enjoy this.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I fucking love this chapter.

Chapter 2: protheans are my niggas

As Sheppard zipped up his fly, and tali washed her face and omni-toys, joker sent a message OVER THE INTERCOM to him:

"hey commander! We are near the citadel and ready to board…well, at least the shuttle is. See, we can't dock until EDI does a hull scan because I lied and said I should go outside the ship in a space-suit for a repair run on the cannons. So I un-zipped my fly and fucked the main guns! Now my junk looks like shriveled beef jerky, and can fit in the USB port, SO PROBLEM SOLVED! Anyways, Cortez has to fly you in his shuttle. Alone. no offense sir, but I think he's going to rape you."

Tali gave Sheppard a strange look and said "why has he survived 3 games?" Sheppard gave her a look and said "I have a feeling someone figures we can't hurt technophile cripples." She shrugged and said "well, now back down the engineering bay and give ken and gabby all the kinky details this engineer perfected!"

Sheppard did his awkward mid-sentence rape smile and said "all right tali. Just remember to keep the secret of the power of 3 flexible fingers to yourself!" she gave a smexy laugh as she walked out of the cabin. As soon as she left, Sheppard quickly grabbed his gear he used to deal with Cortez, including his rape whistle and earplugs, and he also called for Javik to head down the bay, as well as James (one of cortez's prison bitches)(racist-ass mothafucka.)

He headed down to the cargo bay entourage style with Javik, who was the only living proof that Kenyans were the basis of a protheans voice; as he got into the bay, he tried to sneak by Cortez, who was creepily staring at jame's ass. However (too much of Sheppard's dismay) Cortez noticed him and walked on up and said "HI SHEPPA—" the commander glared at him and said "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."

Cortez slunk back off as Javik commented "you showed that abomination whose boss YEAH NIGGA!" he looked at Javik and said "I swore to god you protheans were supposed to be badasses…not Kenyans who are suicidal like banzi Japanese!"

He looked at him and said "at least I am not doing pointless extra-species fuck sessions commander nigga." Sheppard shook his head and said "well, at least quarians have a vag and look human despite the fanbase I totally am not screwing with by breaking the 4th seem to think quarians are robots, space goats, or elf hookers…they ARE FUCKING HUMANS. Also, I am not "commander nigga" I am not your nigga. Stop calling me that, jackass."

He smiled and said "all right nigga."

"GOD DAMNIT JAVIK!"

James walked up and said "hey vato! you wanna smoke some pot while I blame the death of my squad mates on myself?" Sheppard growled "at least Jacob killed his dad and got on with life" as he slunk onto the shuttle.

(later…)

As Sheppard stepped out to the cidatel, it occurred to him the even though he had been told to come here earlier, he was too busy fucking tali to remember. He looked at james who said "I'm going to be a stereotypical Mexican and get drunk!" Javik looked at Sheppard and said "I'm gonna hand wit my niggas in the embassies! PEACE OUT BITCHES!"

Cortez appeared and said "I'M GOING TO MOR- *CRUNCH*"

Sheppard pulled his arms back; learning how to knock someone with the neck-pop was worth learning, at least now he knew it was worth knowing.

He kicked Cortez a few times as he headed down the walkway, but before he made it to the elevator, a familiar voice greeted him "ah, there you are commander…glad to see your not dead again.' He turned to see his old friend captain bailey standing there, with a "anarchy monthly" vid in his hand.

Sheppard shook his hand and said "you still hating everything about the citadel that doesn't involve beating up minorities? " he smiled and said "hell yeah Sheppard. Yesterday I found a hard-working family of batarians, so my krogan guard ate them while I taped it and shipped it to there families!"

Sheppard laughed and said "well, see your slightly undevopled character's ass later!" bailey laughed as he went to do hate crimes against anything he could fathom.

Sheppard wasn't 4 feet further when a girl in a white tank top walked up to him and said "hi commander Sheppard, I'm a noisy reporter who has been stalking you and wants to join your crew and somehow be a war asset, and not a breach of classified intel!"

He shrugged and said "after I don't check your background for breaches, I'll just let you on my ship no questions asked." She smiled and said "I'm Diana! They added me so there company doesn't seem sexist!" Sheppard smiled and said "why don't you fuck off?" and left.

-WAR (PIECE OF) ASS AQURIED: THAT ONE BITCH WHO NOBODY EVER SEES-

*asset acquired music*

(later in the embassy)

As Sheppard was about to tell the council that he rescued the primarch without being told, an elcor stepped in front of him and said "like an annoying asshole who can't do his own work; hello human, go to my home planet and save my people to get a worthless/stupid asset. Lol." Sheppard nodded and said "right….i'll get right on that."

"relieved and excessively trustworthy in a wife-beater; thank you Sheppard"

(a bit later, In the council chamber…)

"so…I have to do shit for you, even though you aren't going to make it unless we band up? seems legit." Sheppard said as he stared at the asari council member's ass, while trying to avoid looking at the salarian council member. The turian said "well, you helped us. BUT, get our mortal enemies the krogan to help us and then we will help you. jelly?"

(5 seconds later…)

Sheppard was tossed outside the council chamber, still wondering WHAT THE SHIT.

Fuck the council, he was saving skyrillan rim first.

A/N: I crack up every time I hear an elcor. Also, next chapter will be the beginning of the skyrillan rim chapters, before I do the mainstream missions from ME.

Review? Yes, you should

**You are on the citadel, a elcor walks up and says "like a person with respect for Blackburn; review goddamnit" **


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: cole, if you read this don't complain about stuff.

Chapter 3: blood dragon armor?

As the SR2 (back in) nam'mendy left the citadel, Sheppard made sure he left Cortez behind as the made the jump on the mass relay to the far rim, and then the skyrillan rim.

Sheppard sat down in the crew deck's table and yelled "LIARA!...where's that bitch? I need a SAMICH." She walked in and threw a plate full of crack in front of him and said "Sheppard, since we removed the unclean one from the ship, who will fly the shuttles?"

Before Sheppard could cuss her out, EDI interrupted and said "James Vega knows how to fly; perhaps you would allow him?" Sheppard's eyes went crossed as he said "so…I have the Mexican who drives like an Asian asari bitch flying me around and crashing into shit?"

EDI simply said "yes."

Sheppard shrugged and said "seems legit." As he kept eating his samich; Javik appeared out of nowhere and said "all right nigga!" everyone on the deck turned to him and yelled "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT JAVIK!"

Yeoman Kelly appeared and said "my sister owns a dog shelter!"

Someone in the background yelled "get this furfag out of here!" and they promptly began beating the shit out of her; she was yelling about backstory as they took her to the lower decks.

(later…)

As Sheppard got into the shuttle, he turned and said "tali, you get in the shuttle…and someone get mess sergeant gardener, let's see if he knows what to do." He turned around to see the sergeant teleport to him and say "DUAL CARNIFEXS….FUCK YEAH."

Sheppard shrugged and said "uhh…da fuck but ok."

(later…)

"SHIT JAMES! DON'T HIT THE FUCKNIG PLANET!" Sheppard yelled as he floated around the shuttle's bay from the 16 G's he was doing as he tried to run birds over; as Sheppard threw up, the shuttle slammed into the ground with intense force.

As Sheppard staggered out of the smoking wreck with James, Gardner and tali, a trooper in gray armor holding a pistol walked up and said "STOP! You violated the law! All your stolen goods are now FORFIT."

James, who was still afraid of being deported, promptly began sprinting for the hills, only to be hit with an arrow to the knee. Shortly afterward, the author of this story slit his throat for using that annoying meme.

Sheppard walked up to the trooper and said "hold on…I'm commander Sheppard, alliance navy. I was sent here to protect skyrillan rim from reaper attack!" the trooper looked at him and said "there are no reapers here…only the forces of aliduin!" (not looking up his name, not spellchecking.)(deal with it)

Sheppard shook his head and said "umm…if you're talking about that dragon from that old game, you're on something." The trooper pointed to the sky and yelled "DRAGON IN SKYRILLAN RIM! SOMEONE DESTROY THAT VILE BEAST!"

Sheppard looked up in the sky to see a reaper harvester flying backwards; he turned to tali and said "dis nigga serious?" he turned back to the trooper, only to see him get his head torn off by another harvester that landed behind him; Sheppard pulled out his pistol and fired one shot at the annoying reaper, which promptly exploded and showered him in spider jizz. Tali, who was wiping the stuff off of her visor said "that's pretty extreme…"

Gardener looked to the left and yelled "THEY HAVE GUNS!" pointing to a group of cannibals and husks that were charging them; Sheppard drew his M-8 to finish them off, but the mess sergeant held his hand up and said in a badass voice "I'll take them sir!"

Sunglasses fell out of the sky and landed on his head as he pulled out 2 m-76 revenants and began talking like a familiar 90's macho relic "I'm gonna kick your ass BITCH!"

Sheppard's eye crossed as he began flipping through the air, accidently killing savi0r of the earth who then raged and posted a half-page long rage in his recent story and called the author of this story "the most infuriating player on earth" for using a "powerful" (have to get within 2 feet) weapon.

As gardener landed, he drop-kicked a husk and said "your face…your ass…WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?"

He then had cake.

(later…)

As the mess sergeant sat down on the pile of bodies, a harvester flew up and tackled Sheppard; he pulled out his pistol and flipped the harvester off of him and shot it twice in the head. As it slunk to the ground, a random guard appeared and said "MY GOD! HE KILLED IT!"

"HE IS THE KROGAN BORNE!"

Sheppard looked at him and said "a what?"

The guard walked up and said "you…you are the krogan borne! You can stop the dragons; you can free the 2 legendary heroes, YOU CAN HAVE BONDAGE!"

Tali perked up upon hearing the last thing.

The commander shook his head and said "look…I just need to save you guys and SAVE FUCKING EARTH. Take me to whoever is running this crackhouse!" the guard pointed at a castle in the distance and said "whitecum is just over this hill! Walk you lazy fuck!"

Sheppard signaled to his followers as he headed over the hill.

As they walked down the road, Sheppard killed some bitch in a leather outfit and took her clothes; she handed them to tali and said "save this for our role-playing later tonight"

After he slaughtered some rabbits with a missile pod, he past a stable near whitecum; the air then filled with a sound that reminded him of a bunch of old men climaxing, or a out of tune tuba that was shoved up someone's ass while he was farting.

Both sounded about right.

He walked up to a townsperson and said "did you hear that?" the townsperson looked at him and said "oh, yeah…all the time, the hair on my back still stands up because every time I hear that I get raped, but it happens all the time."

Sheppard mouthed "OK" as he walked up to whitecum's gate and opened the door.

A/N: if anyone gives a shit, savi0r of the earth is one of my buddies, he got 4x teamed by my squad in BF3 and is pissed as shit, so much so he raged to MW3. Hey buddy, the guns I use are sub-par (MK3A1, MP-412) compared to their counterparts I could use (USAS-12, .44 magnum, G18, 1911, 870, 1014)

Whatever; I just can't belive he's still hung up on that. Oh, and I'm still posting chapters to my other stories so…yeah.

**Review and maybe cole won't complain about something…jk he'll find something.**

**Still love you cole, no homo.**

(really, no homo, until I cover you in my MK3A1 buckshot.)

(he's gonna get PISSED from my comments)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: well, I got all my testing done, my school year is almost over. For all my readers, it is time to see my TRUE POWER! MUHAHAHAHARAPEHAHA! Well, this chapter has references to my other stories, and my favorite internet meme of all time. OF ALL TIME.

(ay yo, philsorapter, imma let you finish but…)

Chapter 4: yo dawg; I heard you like thanes.

As Sheppard and his crew walked on in, the first thing he noticed was the old time buildings, dead bodies, and people with cooking pots over their heads being robbed. As he walked down the shitty path, a guy with underwear on his head ran up and said "hey buddy, I want some credits to buy some DRUGZ…can a nigga borrow a credit chit?"

Sheppard shook his head and said "sorry; I can't I don't help hobos while a war is on. C'mon guys, lets go."

As they headed down the street, he felt a hand hold his mouth shut and drag him into an alley; he looked up and saw the hobo saw "YOU DON'T PAY…I'll treat you like I'm a pony-thread simulator…"

Sheppard broke out into panicked screaming as the hobo began to pull down his pants; as he closed his eyes in terror, he heard a loud "SOAP!" followed by a splattering sound. He looked to see bits of the hobo on the ground, and saw the glint of an intervention's scope as a guy in a boonie cap jumped over the wall.

He shook the hobo bits off of him and broke into a dead run for the main castle.

(in the castle…)

As Sheppard sat down to catch his breath, tali walked up and said "what took you so long?" he glance up and said "I almost got raped by a hobo…where's Gardner? " tali gave him a stance that suggested WTF as she pointed over to Gardner, who was standing in front of someone sitting in the chair overlooking the hall.

As he walked up, he heard a familiar voice say "hello, Sheppard; it has been some time."

He saw in the chair was his old friend thane krios; he shook his hand and said "I thought you died; how are you here?"

thane looked at him and said "after you got arrested for trafficking black-tar heroin, I went on a adventure of enlightenment and destruction, which led me to the skyrillan rim; after a killed Godzilla with a toothpick and some help from Ramirez, they gave me a high position."

Sheppard crossed his arms and said "what's this position called?"

He looked at Sheppard and said "_thane_"

"no…not your name, your position"

"_thane"_

"no…your position, thane."

"_thane…"_

"GOD DAMMIT!"

"Sheppard…I am thane of whitecum, that's my position."

His squad looked at thane and said "that makes no sense…your name is your title." He shook his head and said "I will let my friend over hear explain it to you…"

A black guy with cornrows walked up and said "YO DAWG….i heard you like being thane…so I put a thane in the thane so you can thane while you thane. While your thane."

Tali shrugged and said "that…makes….sense question mark?"

Krios shook his head and said "it's not important; what will be is skyrillan rim. The reapers are attacking, and the populace doesn't understand what they are. AT ALL. So they need a hero who can stop them, and that's you; the only others who can help you stop them in the galaxy is the gaybeards."

James appeared and said "stop talking about Cortez's pubs, vato."

Sheppard glared at James, then turned to thane and said "where can I find the gaybeards?"

He thought for a moment and said "first you must head to the tomb of the legendary warriors and free the lost heroes; after you get there help, recruit them to your squad for an overpriced DLC—I mean, get there help. Then go to the gaybeards."

Sheppard nodded and said "my men need to rest for a bit, then we'll move out. Do you have a place for us to stay?" thane said "we have several guest rooms, a private room for secret butt fun, and a dungeon for 'thrill seekers'."

As the rest of his squad, nil him and tali let, he asked thane "why did you mention the dungeon?"

He chuckled and said "it wasn't a secret you and tali constantly fucked like pyjaks."

He chuckled as tali grabbed his hand and pulled him down to the dungeon.

(2 hours later…)

Sheppard got out of the medical bay with 40 stitches, 5 rope burns, and whip marks up and down his back; tali played rough when she wanted too.

That was always the fun part.

As he got suited up to leave, thane handed him a large pistol and said "take this, its stupid to go alone."

In his hand was a golden thermal glock with the worlds 'p-diddy's plasma protection' scrawled on the side. Sheppard tossed his predator handgun on the ground as he holstered his new weapon. He nodded to thane and sprinted out of whitecum; this was the first bit of loot he would have on his enlightening adventure.

(MEANWHILE, in a place outside the milky way galaxy…)

_Harbinger…._

The reaper tuned in to the voice speaking to it and said "what?"

_Harbinger….keep doing shit, we'll get Sheppard, and the fanbase soon enough…then we will make them pay twice to play the game…_

"but I thought we were just going to turn all organics into reapers?

_That's fucking stupid and not going to get us money. We need to add…..online passes….games passes….shitty multiplayer DLC….never show talis face in game unless you have a romance with her before…_

"soo the same way zaeed and kasumi have stupid and small parts?"

_Yes…..then we have Sheppard, and will destroy him in the eyes of the fans….no-noe will stop us, or save him…_

Another voice injected "…for 1 million dollars!"

They all broke out in evil laughter; harbinger went back to attacking earth as EA flew back to there offices in there north-pole crack house.

A/N: this story is my embodiment of rage against EA; they first took dead space, then battlefield….THEN MASS EFFECT….but I could….LIVE with that.

Then I beat ME3 2 different times, and witnessed all 3 ending.

I wanted them dead, and Sheppard to live on Rannoch with tali (going through the struggles of not being able to eat there food) but nether of those will happen, and I am mad.

Of well; if I can't kill them, I'll write about it.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I took the longest break a man can muster; I have been busting my ass writing chapters for my other stories, so this came to mind real quick.

Chapter 5: WWE?

As they headed out of whitecum, Sheppard turned to his squad and said "gardener, James, stay here and guard useless shit while tali and I fight to save the planet. K thx."

Before they could argue, Sheppard and tali had ran off, and there was no way to tell where they went; James looked at the sergeant and said "pendejo; wanna get high and have a fiesta?"

(elsewhere….)

As they headed over the landscape, tali commented "this place sure doesn't seem like the hi-tech worlds the reapers attacked; what would they want with this colony?" Sheppard shrugged and said "dunno…maybe the reapers want real-estate so they can program games. Who knows."

They headed up a small ridge, revealing a open field littered with craters and…lava that was pooling up for some ungodly reason. If things couldn't get any worse, at least 50 harvesters were circling in the air, and husks were playing volleyball on a small shore next to a creek.

As tali prepared to launch a drone to wipe them out, Sheppard held up his hand and said "lets see if they are sentient; how else could they play volleyball?"

He handed tali a sniper rifle and said "if things go sour, shoot the guys who don't look like me. Also, to spice that up a notch, drink this bottle of vodka, THEN try to see who's me."

He left tali holding the bottle and rifle as he slid down the slopes, his hand on the _p-diddy's_ handgun; he landed in front of the husks who stopped and just stared at him; he raised his hand s and said "I am not here to hurt you, just kill you if you don't understand me. Do you understand me?"

The husks looked at each other, then one of the bigger ones stepped forward and said "dis nigga serious? He think we stupid or some shit? Nigga, we get what your white-ass telling us, just don't fuck wit us; we on vacation."

The commander's mind was blown; husks were smart? He lowered his hands and said "could you let us go through here? We have places to go, and I swear I won't kill you…..yet*COUGH*COUGH*…"

The husks huddled up for a moment, then said "nigga…see if yo white-ass can beat us in volleyball. Then me an the boys see if you can beat friedchickenisha in a game of bones."

Sheppard did a 180 and yelled to tali:

"THEY HAVE GUNS!"

(100 yards away…)

Tali dropped the bottle as she aimed down the rifle's scope; she (at first) saw 1 sheppard. But then it went to 2, then 4….soon there were 100. She hiccupped as she depressed the javelin's trigger, and began firing like a redneck at a NAACP meeting/

(meanwhile….)

Sheppard began running for a path down the ways as the slugs from tali's drunken shooting hit anything that wasn't nailed down to the ground. The husks got wiped out as he cowered behind a wall; the air smelled like burnt grape soda.

He leaned back as he ordered tali to meet up with him.

In what seemed to be seconds, she leaped over the wall, perfectly sober. Sheppard stood up and said "you drank a whole bottle of vodka; how did you not get woozy?"

She smiled and said "I jammed a beta mag full of heroin into my arm."

Sheppard rolled his eyes as he checked his map; he pointed and said "just up this path is the entrance to the tomb's death trap we must sneak through; get ready, this may be tough."

Tali tapped on his shoulder and said "..or we could take the service door that's right over there."

"…I knew that."

"sure…."

Sheppard then opened a door that was so obvious that even 50 cent in his game would have seen it; he passed by some 'legal' workers of darker color (slaves) and headed into a large antechamber. It held 2 large stasis tanks, both unmarked.

Sheppard was about to press random buttons when tali yelled "DON'T! we may kill whoever's inside!"

He turned to her and said "why? It's not like there are instructions for these!" she pointed to the left, and on the wall was a large step-by-step instruction poster with a trollface on it; Sheppard looked at her and said "..i kne—fuck it, you know."

He pulled out his kinky monocle and began to read it:

"_to open your acme brand asshole preservation unit, go kill the large monster that swallowed the key in the room next to this one. Each acme unit is shipped with it's own monster to swallow the keys, and comes in a Varity of colors and types._ For more information, ask the monster."

Sheppard looked to his left and said "I am guessing the room over here is the one with the monster in it; tali, hand me some of the heroin…I need it."

As he walked through the door, it was just a room, much like that of a shitty apartment that many a cheap porn movie was made in. after about 5 minutes of nothing, tali and Sheppard sat on the sofa stained with semen.

Sheppard looked down, then to tali and said "I think I love—cats?"

Tali gave him a strange look and said "what?"

Sheppard pointed to the window as a large black cat leaned in and said:

Meow. Me-BLAAAAAAAAAAA—

Sheppard and tali ducked behind the sofa as a laser blast busted from the kitty; as he pulled out his gun and stood up to return fire, the cat was gone and the room was like it was before. Just as he turned around, he heard someone yell "BRUCIE MOTHERFUCKERS!"

He was tackled to the ground by some douchebag in a tank-top, who was ranting about "BRUCIE LIKES PUSSY!1"

Sheppard kicked him off and yelled "are you the monster?"

As 'Brucie' nodded, Sheppard blew his head off and then dragged his body into the other room.

As he walked back up to the poster and went back to reading:

_If you have gotten this far, you saved this part before the 'boss' fight (pussy)_

_Now, shove the boss's body in this slap-chop machine and then hit the big-ass red button on each of the preservation units!_

_Congratulations, you can read!_

Sheppard walked over to the cases and hit the big red buttons; 2 large images appear on a screen, and Sheppard stood in awe as the cases opened. Lying in one case was a krogan with a blonde mustache and bandana, in the other was a salarian with shades and a leopard colored shirt.

As they began waking up, Sheppard knew who these guys were;

_Hulk krogan_ and _'macho man' randy salarian._

A/N: lolwut? Is that what you are thinking? Because your mindfuck is just a grain of what is macho madness!

So, get ready to come to your own smackdown brother!

R&R


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I can't even make a good excuse on why I haven't been writng. Guess I got distracted by making offensive things in minecraft. Oh well, NEVER FEAR! SHEPPARD IS BACK! GET THE RYNCOL!

Chapter 6: MMMM BROTHER.

Sheppard was tripping balls; he had found 2 of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the galaxy…and he freed them! Tali tapped his shoulder and said "I think they are waking up."

He leaned into hulk's holder and watched as the krogan shot up and yelled "MMMMM BROTHER!"

The krogan then kicked his foot right through the floor as he stroked his blonde mustache; in the other chamber rose the salarian who was ranting about shit he didn't even understand.

They both stopped talking as they saw each other, then yelled "YOU!"

They pulled folding aluminum chairs out of there pods and began to beat the shit out each other; tali said "should…we stop them?" Sheppard shook his head and aid "nah…lets wait a bit, you used to have to pay to see this."

Macho man pointed at hulk and said "hulkmania is but a grain of sand…in what is the desert that is macho madness!"

The krogan yelled "YOUR COMING TO YOUR OWN SMACKDOWN BROTHER!"

Before they could go at it again, Sheppard felt a blue wing and said "guys, we need to team up to kill the reapers; and because I just recruited you by paying EA about 5 bucks for your DLC's, please don't tell me this is going to lead up to a loyalty mission. Or a romance option."

They both stared at him and said "what are reapers, why should we help you, fuck EA, who are you?"

Sheppard stood at attention and said "I'm commander Sheppard, and this is my favorite sto—" tali tapped his shoulder and said "wrong sound bite."

"…well shit."

Sheppard stood back up and said "I'm commander Sheppard, alliance navy. The universe is at war with the machines called reapers. I need everyone to help me stop them. 2 celebrities means that you won't die because of copyrights and promotions, and I love your blenders hulk."

The krogan nodded and said "well, I can speak for myself and I think the salarian for once; we got trapped here almost 50 years ago when we got captured by the dreaded were-venezulans; we had been hired to take them out with bad acting, but it all fell apart when our boss was eaten by them. Maybe we can help you if you help us stop these bastards from spreading. Also, if you do this I will give you one of my hulk-krogan brand blenders. AUTOGRAPHED."

Sheppard, upon hearing "blender" grabbed tali and said "start the omni-vaccum. I have a boner that can't be contained."

As he sat there in victory, he nodded at hulk and said "after she finishes, we'll go after the Venezuelans."

The macho man spoke up and said "damn….i wish I had a product, and I wish I had THAT QUARIAN!"

Just as the transition to the next scene was about to happen, Sheppard's radio turned on and a voice said "Sheppard. It is me, mordin. I must cure genopahge; watch tali blow you to better understand krogan biological matters. Also, must talk like William shatner, to…punctuate my point. Also, would like to run test on semen to see if ammio-detxros can swallow."

The 2 wrestlers nodded their heads slowly and said "O…K…that was…unneeded, but….ok."

Sheppard stopped for a moment and said "wait…didn't you stop the genopahge already?"

Mordin replied "last play through, Sheppard, this new play through, using DLC before main story."

(20 minutes later transition)

As tali wiped her Omni-tool and her mouth, Sheppard said "ok, let's go. You guys have weapons?"

Macho man held up his arms and said "I don't need a weapon….I am one!"

Hulk pulled out a modified blender and said "I can load thermal clips into it and fire a shotgun-blender sniper. Also, THE BODY SLAM!" he did the krogan fist-pump analogy as he and macho man headed out the door.

Sheppard jogged up next to hulk and said "so, why again are we going to fight the Venezuelans?"

The krogan held up his hand and counted off "first, we were told to, second, they stole my caravan lunch (gotta love insta-mash) third, they captured us. Fourth—"

Sheppard interrupted and said "krogan only have 3 fingers. Can you stop there? I get it."

Hulk shrugged and said "fine…Sheppard. Well, let's double time it, then…there base wasn't to far from where they trapped us-LOOK OUT!"

Sheppard pulled up his pistol and saw a humanoid creature flying through the air at him; it was yelling "DOMINGODOMNIGODOMINGO!" as it flew toward him. Before he could shoot, macho man flew out of nowhere and snapped it's neck, mid-flight.

As it's body flopped in front of them, Sheppard took a good look at it; it was a human that had been affected by the reapers, and it was sort of like saren, not fully fucked up. this was a threat, now that the reapers were involved.

He told everyone to charge the gate as they neared there base.

(meanwhile…)

_Are we keeping shepard busy?_

Yes…master?

_Is the fanbase docile with the new ending?_

I guess…I was busy attacking earth, no really…you need to stop calling me here, I have shit to do, you know."

_Is Sheppard distracted?_

Yes

_Did you make a 9-11 model in minecraft?_

Yes…

_Do you think cortez is cute?_

No, and cortez is dead. Sheppard killed him, remember? And, on that note, nick jonas is better.

_Thank you, harbinger….go on and back to the fight._

All right, Casey.

The reaper began to head back to earth, with new zeal as the imminent victory came.

As Casey Hudson sat back down in his chair (with EA brand dildos built in) he began to masturbate with the millions of dollars that were reaped from unsuspecting fans of mass effect. Little did Hudson know, he had been inblacktranated by the monsters at EA.

Sheppard was the only savior left.

A/N: indeed, my own little war against EA. Spoiler alert; EA will be destroyed after Sheppard convinces Casey that he was inblacktranated by EA, and Sheppard teams up with bad company to destroy EA. But, it may change as things go along. Also, a thanks to my friend mikey who gave me the idea of the were-Venezuelans . also, a thanks to my readers who have a hatred to EA's jew-ness.

Well, R&R

ACTUNG, HEIL BLACKBURN!

*heil Blackburn!*


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: no, this story is not dead, nor am i. I am however, suffering from chronic don'tgiveashititis that makes me get distracted between both stories and chapters. Also, I am joining forces with 3derp of ganji news radio and working on a youtube series where we review SHITTY fanfiction. I still am hoping we can do 'john cena is my stepfather' fanfiction; Yes, it exists.

Chapter 7: the Were-Venezuelans lair for 800 MSP

Hulk ran forward and looked over cover; he tapped Sheppard on the shoulder and said "there it is; the lair of the were-Venezuelans."

Tali spoke up and said "that looks like the system alliances embassies."

Sheppard shook his head and said "no doubt about it. the were-Venezuelans are agents of the reapers, so….lets go do a attack that could endanger the planet instead of going to see the gaybeards like we were supposed to!

Macho-man's eye crossed and he said "this is fucking stupid. I think I should have just stayed in the pod."

As Sheppard and tali charged across the field to the embassies, weapons drawn, hulk looked at macho-man and said "you know what…I never said the were-Venezuelans were agents of the reapers. Maybe I should have told them that they were a pissed off union of hippies led by the disgraced president Richard Nixon."

Macho-man shook his head and said "naw….let's let them fuck up the place. You have to pay money to see this normally."

As Sheppard charged into the building with his M-8 out; as he and tali entered the building, he saw 3 were-Venezuelans spraying several restrained hippies with aerosol cans; after a few seconds, the hippies turned into ganji husks and began charging Sheppard, along with the latter were-Venezuelans.

Sheppard and tali dropped them in seconds, just as hulk and macho-man stepped in; they took the aerosol cans off of the Venezuelans and saw the label: "harbinger accents air spray- indoctrination never smelled better"

Hulk dropped the can and said "I have no fucking clue what that can said."

Macho man chimed in "can you read?"

Hulk sniffled and said "no. daddy touched me wrong as a child"

Sheppard turned around and said "ok! moving along, I didn't need to hear that; tell you what, I will call in a shuttle to pick you 2 up while tali and I go through this place and clear them out."

Hulk and macho man nodded as they stepped outside, letting the author speed this chapter up with only 2 characters.

Sheppard led tali down the halls of the building; it appeared to be a diplomatic structure that had been overran and turned into a _pancho's_ restaurant by the Venezuelans; he turned to tali and was about to warn her about possible traps, he saw tali reading a menu. Sheppard was about to chew her out, until he saw the cheese chalupas on the menu. He sat down and hoped that someone would serve him.

After about 20 minutes, Sheppard realized that he was probably sitting on a trap, and said to tali "yeah…we should go."

She shrugged and said "well, ok…we can always eat later. Like in your room."

As they headed up a flight of stairs, he heard several voices yell "DOMINGO DOMINGO DOMINGO!" as a large flock of were-Venezuelans descended upon them, attempting to cross the border into space America by killing Sheppard and tali.

Sheppard grabbed the closest one to him and shot it in the head with his pistol, using its body as a meat shield to deflect the wave of Venezuelans who flew in behind him, pushing them in front of tali who blew them away with her M-300 somehow firing 12 shots off and not reloading. Because she rolled like that.

As Sheppard killed the last of the Venezuelans, a voice over an intercom said "yah damn hippies! You'll never stop the reapers, now that we have the gaybeards who are a little-mentioned plot point that will have no effect in the final battle!"

Sheppard swore he had heard that voice before; he pointed to the door at the end of the hall and said "I bet the answers to all this are just right down the hall!" tali shook her head and said "Sheppard, were you dropped as a child?"

He gave her a derpface and said "bacon."

As they opened the door at the end of the room, they gasped in a mix of shock and awe; Sheppard pointed and said "12 TIME PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON!?"

Tali pointed and said "I don't know who I am pointing at!"

In a chair at the end of the room was the head of Richard Nixon in a jar, fused with the body of a marauder; he stood up and looked at the duo and said "oh, wait…you're not hippies asking for rights! Well then, my crack stash is…wait, your Sheppard! Shit!"

Sheppard raised his weapon and said "what is the meaning of this Nixon!? You said you had the gaybeards, and you have reaper tech on you. You're indoctrinated!

Nixon looked out the window and said "and I'm supposed to care? Look, I spent 200 years with my damn head in a jar. The reapers invade, capture my head, and then give me a body. All they asked was a refuse rights to hippies, capture the gaybeards, and keep a large stash of crack and a unused mech near my swimming pool. Nothing too big. Oh, and I have to kill you and stuff. Apologies in advance."

Sheppard rolled his eyes and got into cover as he said "damn…and I was hoping to get a autograph too."

Nixon pulled out dual widows and started to hose the room down with slugs as Sheppard (like the retard he is) ran into the oncoming fire and broke both of Nixon's hands (if he could take a reaper laser and not be powder, this is possible)

He slammed Nixon to the ground and in a flashing red star smashed his head open, knocking out a key Nixon had hidden in various bodily cavities. Sheppard picked up the key and said "tali! Go walk 5 feet to that large safe on the other side of me and open it."

She gave him a puzzled look and said "Sheppard…I'm all the way across the room. You do it."

Sheppard rolled his eyes as he opened the safe, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head; there was LOADS of crack. He figured nobody would miss a little gone…

(30 minutes later…)

Sheppard's nose was now bleeding as he took the last brick out of the safe and snorted it up. Tali looked at him and said "that's pretty extreme Sheppard."

He looked up at her and said "ARRGHBLB…TITS…TALI YOUR TITS ARE MELTING….GOD THIS WAS A TON OF FUCKING CRACK."

He stood up, shaking from the verge of an overdose and began running to the pool like a retard; he tripped on a Barack Obama (rock joke you assholes) and fell into the open triton deep sea mech that was totally not a re-textured atlas. As the mech's hatch sealed the high Sheppard in it, tali screamed "NO! SHEPPARD FELL INTO A POORLY DONE DLC IN A DLC!"

Around that time, a black man with dreadlocks appeared and said "YO DAWG, I heard you like DLC's…so we put a DLC in a DLC so you can get fucked by EA while getting fucked by EA." Several seconds later, another black amn walked up and said "eh, yo exzbits, I'm real proud for ya and all; imma let you finish, but…SAMUEL L JACKSON is the best black man made into a meme…of ALL TIME!"

Tali facepalmed as she leaned over the pool, wondering where Sheppard and the mech went.

A/N: truth be told, I was having some writers block with this chapter, until I paid- I mean, played the leviathan DLC (total waste of money, don't get it) and was disappointed beyond words. Those of you who suffered to see Sheppard say 1 sentence worth about 9 dollars U.S money in the final buttfucking-I MEAN, when you're talking to the sparklebitch, and when he says "you do not know my creators LOLPHAG" and then Sheppard (AFTER all the shit you did) just basically said "yeah, I met them."

That's it. no cutscene of the tentacle rape lobsters controlling reapers, no Japanese porn, NOTHING. You paid EA just to have Sheppard say "yeah, I met them."

And people wonder why I am not going to get the Omega DLC when it comes out; well, lets see…it costs more, will most likely have 2-3 missions (mind you, that in ME2, the overlord DLC was 500 MSP (5$ U.S money) and had like, 4-5 missions that were FUN. Leviathan was not fun, had less missions, and didn't do SHIT. At least overlord had a few effects in ME3 (which I will not mention to not spoil the GOOD parts of the game) so, in short of my rants, FUCK EA IN THE BUTTHOLE.

Also, review and when I find out the name of the channel we are going to release our reviews of shitty fanfiction I'll tell you guys. Also, what's going on shadowfire117?

-Lord Michael Blackburn


End file.
